Don’t hate your friends.

Did you know that confining yourself to your bedroom for several years can really wreak havoc on your social and communication skills? It’s so true. And it is incredibly hard to “relearn” those skills.

Before anxiety took control of me, socializing was not a problem for me. In fact, I was as “social butterfly.” I enjoyed meeting new people, talking to people, and having friends. I enjoyed going places, trying new activities, and being around other people. I did not constantly fear being judged by others. I was never afraid to “be myself” and speak my mind.

When I began to leave my house again, even with family, I would have serious issues even talking. I could not articulate a full sentence. I would stutter. The words I needed to say did not seem to exist. I have no doubt that others believed I had the vocabulary of your average turtle.

Even after my anxiety began to subside, it took me ages before I was able to enter stores and actually purchase something. Eating in a restaurant was a seemingly impossible task. Even when I would go into a restaurant, I would require someone else to order for me.

Not having friends never really bothered me until more recently. Although I would become bored, many of my friends resided online—usually thousands upon thousands of miles away. I could spend hours talking to these people. Whenever I felt I was being judged, I could simply hit “ignore” on my messenger client or leave the chat room. I spoke with these people on a daily basis.

Today, however, I long for friendship and camaraderie—in real life! When I become bored, lonely, or sad, I wish I had someone—anyone—I could call to talk to. Without being judged and without fearing their reactions. Without them laughing at me.

I’m envious of people who were able to go to high school, experience the “high school life,” and to build those life-long cliques and friendships that only seem possible in high school. When I’m around people who have recently graduated high school who are with their large group of friends, I often feel disdain and contempt. I wonder why I could not have the same experience; why I had to be so unlucky and make such bad decisions.

I fear that it’s too late to develop those friendships, because building friendships is incredibly difficult—at least for me. It seems I have so many acquaintances, but taking that relationship to the next level seems impossible. I do not know how. And I don’t know where to learn.

While I have been on break this past several weeks, I have created a challenge for myself: try out new activities and try to build rapports with people, even just as an experiment.

It started out well, but it has turned into a disaster. And now I don’t know if friends are all they are cracked up to be.

Besides my goal of writing a book, becoming a billionaire, beating the odds, and becoming the President of the United States of America, I have one more goal and, right now, it seems the most far-fetched: I want friends. Good ones. Friends who won’t judge me, laugh at me, or betray me.

(Admittedly, this did not turn out to be what I wanted it to be. It did not go where I wanted it to go. For some reason, I am unable to articulate my emotions without being too specific. Perhaps it’s not time yet… But I’ll post it anyway)