You mean you have to pay for gas? But I’m applying to be a deputy!

28Dec07

At work, I was incessantly asked whether or not I was in school. It seemed my very presence beaconed the question, from perfect strangers, “Are you in school?”

I had created a myriad of responses to the question. One of the more common and most simple was, “No, not yet. I’m waiting until I’m ready. Soon.” I rarely discussed my past educational “difficulties” and my serious anxiety issues, as, many times, these were perfect strangers.

The responses ranged from “that’s smart” to the more condescending, “If you don’t go to school, then what are you going to do with your life? You have to go to school!”

My boss was the person who nagged (err..encouraged) me the most about going to school. It was uncommon for a single day to pass that we would not discuss my educational aspirations.

After several years of having my low-paying but reasonable job, I decided that I was ready for a change. A friend of mine had become a dispatcher at the sheriff’s department. It had always been a dream of mine to become a police officer, although I was fully aware that I would have some serious explaining to do. I started talking to him about my prospects and what he could do to help me. I was excited now because it appeared that I had an “in” at the department.

My boss was supportive of me trying to become a deputy. She offered to help me with my application, references, and anything else she could do to help. Even after talking to my boss, my friends, and the new dispatcher, it took several weeks before I was even able to go to the sheriff’s department to “shadow” him in his job. I felt this was a necessary step, as it would allow me to become more comfortable with the environment and meet some of the people I may potentially work with.

Even after shadowing him while he dispatched, it took several more weeks before I was able to develop the strength to pick up an application. I was an absolute nervous-wreck about this step alone and I was genuinely curious how I would be able to handle the application process.

After picking up the application, I went straight to work to talk with my boss and show her what I had done. I asked for the information I’d need and asked her if I would be able to send her the finished product before I submitted it. After several days of eagerly awaiting her responses, and trying my best to prepare mentally to drop off the application, I was ready.

I did not sleep at all the night before; I was incredibly nervous. Instead of going to the sheriff’s department, I went to work to get my application “finalized” by my boss. She was encouraging about applying and she was still ready to help in anyway she could, as she knew how much I wanted it to become a reality.

After leaving, I went to get $20 out of the ATM and got gas in my car, in preparation of driving to the sheiff’s department. As I pulled up to find a parking spot at the sheriff’s department, it seemed as if I had been hit by the largest bus imaginable. My heart was racing, I was sweating, and I was sure that I was going to vomit at any moment.

I got out of my car and walked up to the department. As I was passing all of the windows of the law complex, and after becoming more and more nervous, I literally said, out loud, “Fuck it. I’ll go to school instead” (please pardon my language). I promptly turned around, walked as fast as I could to my car, hopped in, and drove away.

I drove back to work and walked in. My boss asked, “Did you do it?” … “No, I was too nervous.” She was visibly disappointed, but she did not seem angry. Regardless, I was obviously not ready for such a position, so I felt incredibly relieved.

The next day, I went to pick up some dinner. As I checked my wallet to ensure I had money, I realized that I had $20 in there. I thought, “No WAY. NO WAY!” I went to my dad and told him that I thought I’d driven away from the gas station without paying for my gas.

I immediately called the gas station and explained the situation. They told me that they did not see anything about me driving away without paying and told me not to worry about it, but worried I was. I picked up my dinner and then decided to stop by the gas station—just to double check. I explained to the woman working the window and she literally laughed at me. An older gentleman came to the window and said, “Yeah, you did drive away.” He took the $10 and gave me a receipt, but I still requested that he meet me in the back. I asked him if he had filed a police report or anything; he had not.

My nervousness lead me to drive away from the gas station without paying for my gas on my way to drop off an application to become a deputy. I cannot even imagine what I would have said had I been pulled over. What do you think the reaction of the police officer would have been when I said, “I’m actually on my way to drop off my application to become a deputy?”

Filed under: Humor, Introduction, Personal   |  2 Comments
Tags: anxiety, application, car, cop, cops, deputy, drive off, gas, job, police, sheriff, Social Anxiety